Amiable, Intelligent, Elegant: Mrs. Gardiner

Temperance Triumphant in Pride and Prejudice

Temperance is love giving itself entirely to that which is loved. — Augustine of Hippo¹

This spring, I’m writing a series on the cardinal virtues in Pride and Prejudice, beginning with temperance. If you haven’t read the earlier articles, you can find them here:

Coming Soon: The Cardinal Virtues in Pride and Prejudice

You Have Delighted Us Long Enough

Temperance gets a bad rap. You might assume the “temperate” person doesn’t know how to have fun, confusing temperate self-control with puritanical self-denial. But in my experience, temperate people are the most fun to be around. They can regulate their moods, never unpredictably flying off the handle. They are responsible enough with their money, food, and drink to take care of themselves. They know the right pace to set for work and for play; they know when they’ve had enough. They make plans, but they’re not rigid. Free of “main character energy,” temperate people are fun to talk to. They’re interested in you.

In some ways, temperance is the precursor to truly practicing the other virtues, so I could praise Jane, Darcy, and Elizabeth for their temperance, but one character, with her husband, perfectly captures my idea of temperance: Mrs. Gardiner. Thanks to her rightly-ordered affections and moderate habits, Mrs. Gardiner meets each circumstance the right way: fun on a vacation, trustworthy in conversation, and capable in a crisis. This is a love letter to temperance and to a non-protagonist heroine who embodies the virtue.

Anna Maria Jenkins & Thomas Jenkins, by Angelica Kauffmann, 1790

Safe Confidante

Mrs. Gardiner is an ideal aunt for Elizabeth, whose own mother is sadly a poor model. If Elizabeth wants sound advice on men and marriage, Mrs. Gardiner is the only older woman who can give it. Elizabeth and Mrs. Gardiner share one of the most equal friendships we see in Austen. Except among sisters, Austen heroines have few female friends. One is usually overbearing² or an outright frenemy.³ But aside from the inequality in their ages and experiences, Elizabeth and Mrs. Gardiner share respect, intelligence, and humor. They tease, confide, and commiserate by turns.

When one friend is older, she is often tempted to overemphasize the “mentor” role, as if she has nothing to do but teach and the younger nothing to do but learn. It takes temperance to relinquish that feeling of power and value the other person’s contributions. Charlotte is eight years older than Lizzy — not much younger than Mrs. Gardiner⁴ — but treats this age difference as proof of superior prudence, and she gives advice about courtship and marriage — Jane should flirt more with Bingley, Lizzy should not offend a rich man like Darcy — but never wishes for Elizabeth’s advice in return.

Mrs. Gardiner’s advice is of a different nature when she urges Elizabeth not to encourage Wickham’s attentions shortly after the Netherfield Ball. Even though at this point in the novel neither character knows anything against Wickham’s character, Mrs. Gardiner warns about the dangers of marrying without money. Their conversation reveals that Lizzy is on the verge of falling in love with Wickham, but she acknowledges, “I see the imprudence of it….I will not be in a hurry to believe myself his first object. When I am in company with him, I will not be wishing….I will try to do what I think to be the wisest.”⁵ Mrs. Gardiner advises without impertinence, and Lizzy receives it without indignation, and the narrator comments on the rarity: “a wonderful instance of advice being given on such a point, without being resented.”⁶

Loving Boldly

One of Mrs. Gardiner’s most endearing qualities is her frank, unabashed love for Lambton, where she spent her young adulthood before getting married.

“The town where she had formerly passed some years of her life, and where they were now to spend a few days, was probably as great an object of her curiosity as all the celebrated beauties of Metlock, Chatsworth, Dovedale, or the Peak.”⁷

Though she is delighted by the natural beauty they see, she is more excited to revisit old friends and haunts, and isn’t embarrassed to let other people know. Most people are prouder to say they’ve seen a famous city or landmark than to spend the same time and money visiting an old friend in a small town. Not Mrs. Gardiner. She ain’t a poser.

Having enthusiastic opinions means that temperance is not mere affability or going with the flow. There is room for a temperate person to assert their desires and debate with others. On more than one occasion, I hooted with laughter at Mrs. Gardiner’s frank opinions.

When she and Lizzy discuss Mr. Bingley’s unaccountable departure, Mrs. Gardiner asks how evident his love for Jane had been. Elizabeth describes the way his interest in Jane made him an inattentive host and asks, “Is not general incivility the very essence of love?” Mrs. Gardiner drily responds, “Oh, yes! Of that kind of love which I suppose him to have felt.”⁸ Savage!

A little later, after Wickham has removed his attentions from Lizzy in favor of the newly rich Mary King, Mrs. Gardiner distrusts his motives more than Elizabeth does. Feeling magnanimous, Elizabeth defends him, citing his financial hardship. She points out that Miss King does not mind that Wickham has only shown interest after she inherited a lot of money. Mrs. Gardiner replies, “Her not objecting does not justify him. It only shows her being deficient in something herself — sense or feeling.”⁹

Unworthy young men and foolish young women beware! Mrs. Gardiner doesn’t have time for you.

If Mrs. Gardiner merely cared about her own peace, she might voice her opinion less. But she doesn’t. She cares about her nieces, she cares about telling the truth, and so she will honestly say what she thinks about Bingley’s and Wickham’s attentions. She doesn’t go too far, though, stopping short of vitriol. Anyone who has ever exaggerated a grievance to relieve their feelings or to entertain their listeners will understand how much strength it takes to criticize ordinately.

Family Life

“Had Elizabeth’s opinion been all drawn from her own family, she could not have formed a very pleasing opinion of conjugal felicity or domestic comfort.”¹⁰

The Gardiners, with the Crofts of Persuasion, have one of Austen’s few enviable established marriages. Not all of her marriages are as unequal and unhappy as the Bennets or the Collinses, even though those are most memorable for the humor they provide. John and Isabella Knightley (Emma) and Lord and Lady Bertram (Mansfield Park) have oddly happy marriages despite (or because of) their partners’ idiosyncrasies, but the Gardiners truly stand out.

They like each other. They enjoy learning and exploring new things together. Part of this enjoyment is enabled by strong constitutions and a steady financial situation. The Bennets have neither, so they have more to stress them. But the Collinses are healthy and secure without the Gardiners’ happiness. The Gardiners’ strength of character has made their good circumstances possible, and more importantly, made possible their enjoyment of them. In their habits of disposition and lifestyle, the Gardiners exercise temperance in spades.

Even the part of them that feels most culturally alien to a modern reader, their decision to leave their small children with the Bennets while they take their tour with Elizabeth, still reflects a realistic view of things. Their children are too young to enjoy this sort of trip. It might even have been unhealthy, at the time, for a small child to travel that much.

However, they have an opportunity to give a vital experience to their older niece, just as they did for Jane in London the previous winter. Elizabeth has lived her whole life in the same small town, but with her intelligence and love of beauty, she could really benefit from a trip through the sublime Derbyshire Peak District. Her parents will never make such a trip possible. They have not been frugal enough to save for their daughters’ futures, much less a long trip. Even if a Bennet family vacation were financially viable, her mother lacks the sense and the constitution to make the Peaks a destination.

So the Gardiners leave their children in Jane’s capable hands until they return: “Jane’s steady sense and sweetness of temper exactly adapted her for attending to them in every way — teaching them, playing with them, and loving them.”¹¹ I’m sure their parents will give them their own tour when they’re older.

Also, should parents postpone trips and leisure until their children are all old enough to appreciate it? Not to be indelicate, but for a couple who really liked each other in an age before modern family planning, they might keep having babies into their forties, putting off their trips until their fifties. Mr. Gardiner works very hard and has few opportunities to leave his business. Should he postpone vacations for two more decades? Or should he take the vacation without his wife while she stays home with the toddlers, even though she is his favorite person and the best source of his happiness? Though I wouldn’t want to be away from my kids for three weeks, neither can I fault them for taking the trip. Regular rest for mind and spirit strengthens us.¹²

Travel Companions

“One enjoyment was certain - that of suitableness as companions; a suitableness which comprehended health and temper to bear inconveniences - cheerfulness to enhance every pleasure - and affection and intelligence, which might supply [enjoyment] among themselves if there were disappointments abroad.”¹³

If you planned a long vacation with someone, you’d hope that they could be like the Gardiners, who stay affable, plan ahead, but change plans when the situation requires. To cite small examples, they let Elizabeth stay back from a planned outing so she can read Jane’s letters, and they shorten their trip when Mr. Gardiner’s business concerns couldn’t allow a longer tour.¹⁴ In a much more serious instance, once they learn of Lydia’s disappearance, they cancel the rest of the trip to get Elizabeth back home.¹⁵

If you have ever traveled with someone who has selfish or inflexible habits, you know how miserable even ordinary moments can become.¹⁶ Setting an agreeable schedule for food, travel, sightseeing, and rest requires consideration and moderation. The Gardiners’ excellence as travel companions is a chief instance of temperate people being fun.

Cool in a Crisis

Though the Gardiners are fun, affectionate, and sensible throughout the novel, their behavior in the crisis proves their characters, as it does so many other players’. Abandoning their vacation to bring Elizabeth home is only common decency, but Mr. Gardiner then immediately returns to London to help find Lydia, even though it means leaving Mrs. Gardiner and the children at Longbourn for a few days before they can follow.¹⁷

Mrs. Gardiner makes the most of her additional days with the Bennets, attending Mrs. Bennet and comforting the girls.¹⁸ Meanwhile, her husband finds Mr. Bennet and defers to his plan to find Lydia by inquiring at the hotels, not because he thinks it will work, but out of respect for a father’s feelings.¹⁹ He then takes over the search when Mr. Darcy arrives and Mr. Bennet leaves. Darcy has found Lydia and Wickham, of course, and the scenes which follow are familiar to all readers.

When Mr. Darcy asks them to arrange the terms of Lydia’s marriage, Darcy finances the extravagant dowry Wickham needs to pay off his debts. However, he doesn’t wish his largess to be known, so he asks Mr. Gardiner not to tell the Bennets who paid that enormous sum. Mr. Gardiner is torn, knowing this will make it appear that he paid Wickham off, but ultimately agrees because he thinks that Darcy and Elizabeth are engaged (or as good as). Otherwise, his wife assures Elizabeth later, Mr. Gardiner would have paid it all. Mrs. Bennet might take this generosity for granted,²⁰ but the frugality and industry which earned that money, and the sacrifices for his family they would have required, are examples of truly heroic temperance — as is the humility to honor Darcy’s request for silence and “put up with only having the probable credit of it.”²¹

In all of this, Mrs. Gardiner is his partner, as her letter makes clear. While the men handle Wickham, she attempts to reach Lydia and make her feel appropriately about her situation: gratitude to everyone who helped her, responsibility for the seriousness of getting married, shame for having lived with Wickham for weeks and causing fear and grief to her family — but Lydia never listens, more preoccupied with wondering what clothes Wickham will get married in.²² Mrs. Gardiner relates to Elizabeth, “I was sometimes quite provoked, but then I recollected my dear Elizabeth and Jane, and for their sakes had patience with her.”²³ A lot of advice depends on the listener as well as the advisor. Happily married herself, Mrs. Gardiner gives marriage advice to others, not as a nag or a snob, but because she wants them to have similar happiness.

Conclusion

“With the Gardiners they were always on the most intimate terms. Darcy, as well as Elizabeth, really loved them; and they were both ever sensible of the warmest gratitude towards the persons who, by bringing her into Derbyshire, had been the means of uniting them.”²⁴

The Gardiners have strong feelings, and they usually feel rightly, but they live according to principles. A temperate person knows how to live according to some guiding principles, not legalistically, but adapting them honestly to each situation they meet. They have a strong sense of responsibility, but they hold it lightly. They see their many duties — business, children, extended family — as blessings, not burdens.

If I am honest, I have always wished to be like Elizabeth Bennet. That blend of humor, easy temper, vivacity, and charm, or what the narrator calls a “mixture of sweetness and archness in her manner which made it difficult for her to affront anybody,”²⁵ makes her a perfectly captivating heroine.

But my years of identifying with a romantic heroine are past, and though Elizabeth doubtless retains all her charm as the mistress of Pemberley, within the pages of the novel itself, we matronly mid-thirties types have a different role model: Mrs. Gardiner. “Amiable, intelligent, elegant,”²⁶ with a happy marriage, spirited children, and zest for life, she is a confidante, friend, and advisor to delightful, young heroines. Sign me up!

I will conclude this essay with the same words with which Mrs. Gardiner ended a letter to Lizzy:

“But I must write no more. The children have been wanting me this half-hour.”²⁷

Footnotes

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people are reading the same edition of a classic novel, so I’ll cite quotes by chapter, not by page.

1. St. Augustine of Hippo, “Of the Morals of the Catholic Church,” AD 388.

2. Emma over Harriet in Emma
Lady Russell over Anne in Persuasion

3. Isabella Thorpe to Catherine Morland in Northanger Abbey
Lucy Steele to Elinor Dashwood in Sense and Sensibility

4. Mrs. Gardiner is usually cast too old in adaptations. She has been married less than ten years, and with four children under age ten (and “she may have more”, chapter 49), we can place her age between late twenties and mid-thirties. (chapters 25, 42). Adaptations place her closer to fifty, and I like the actresses who have portrayed her, but it’s fun to see Austen represent the thirties set: already married and established, but not yet concerned with marrying off and establishing her own kids, she gets all of the fun of being a mom to young children and a friend to her niece.

5. Chapter 26

6. Chapter 26

7. Chapter 42

8. Chapter 25

9. Chapter 27

10. Chapter 42

11. Chapter 42

12. I wrote part of this essay on a rare trip away from my kids. The Gardiners’ long trip helped me decide that, yes, my toddler, preschooler, and first grader could handle being away from me for four days. I don’t plan to adopt the Regency practice of merely visiting the children in the nursery twice a day, but as I’m tempted to the opposite extreme — this was my first overnight trip away from the kids in over two years — temperance would teach me to gratefully take what opportunities for rest arise and feel a little less guilty for it.

13. Chapter 41

14. Chapter 46, Chapter 42

15. Chapter 46

16. Anyone who has chaperoned a bunch of high schoolers knows what I’m talking about.

17. Now and 200 years ago, four small children cannot be transported as easily as one man.

18. Chapter 48

19. Chapter 50

20. “‘Well,’ cried her mother, ‘it is all very right; who should do it but her own uncle? If she had not had a family of his own, I and my children must have had all his money, you know; and it is the first time we have ever had anything from him, except a few presents.’” (Chapter 49)

21. Chapter 52

22. Chapter 51

23. Chapter 52

24. Chapter 61 - IT’S THE LAST LINE OF THE NOVEL, Y’ALL!

25. Chapter 10

26. Chapter 25

27. Chapter 52

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