On Receiving Advice Well
And recognizing that insults are not advice
If I were to write an essay about giving unsolicited advice, it could be summarized thus:
Don't.
Unless someone is sawing the branch they're sitting on (or something equivalent), they don't want the advice.
Most people, myself included, don't appreciate getting advice we didn't ask for, regardless of the quality of the advice.
However, given the number of rants about this I've heard in person and on social media, I don't think we need to hear more about why it's annoying to get advice. If anything, I want to push back and say that we need more advice.
This isn’t because I am particularly thick-skinned — I’m not — and taking advice well does not come naturally to me, but I still think we can benefit from taking advice well.
So, in the spirit of giving unsolicited advice, let me share what I've learned about receiving advice.
TL;DR: Advice doesn't actually hurt you. You don't have to follow it if you don't want to, and people really do mean well.
1. Try not to take it personally.
Or, as we said on my modified girls' soccer team when we felt like our mild-mannered coach, Mr. N., was "yelling" at us for not passing the ball properly: "Q-TIP. Quit Taking It Personally."
It's easy to hear advice as implied criticism. And maybe it is. If people are giving you advice, it's because you can still improve. That doesn't mean that they think you're a failure/loser/slacker, though.
Now, they might be giving overly-personal advice, and if you didn't ask them for advice, that's very rude of them. If someone is giving opinions about your marriage (or singleness), children (or lack thereof), exercise habits (or lack thereof), et cetera, the following tips could help.
2. Advice is not the same thing as instructions.
This is the tip that has helped me the most.
Remember, you are not obligated to do anything with the information people give you. Odds are, unless they are a professional whose help you are actively seeking (or even if they are), you don't actually have to implement it.
This means you don't have to tell them whether you used their advice.
You don't have to explain why you did or didn't.
You don't have to be defensive.
If you are a people pleaser, you don't have to "try" the advice just so that you can say that you tried it.
You can just say "thank you" and move on.
3. Find the humor in it.
This is my first line of defense in most socially awkward situations: be a student of the ridiculous, Jane Austen-style. Privately see the tremendous joke of this awkward situation.
Save your actual giggles for later. Don't get snarky or mock people or their advice: that just makes you the jerk. Maybe, though, some inwardly-enjoyed humor can buoy your mood and carry you graciously through this moment.
4. If someone means well, try to show some grace toward them.
There are worse flaws than wanting to help people. The nerve!
They might be out of line. Or they might be in line and you just don't want to hear what they have to say.
I think that the under-fifty crowd especially needs to show grace to the over-fifty crowd, who are the biggest group of advice-givers in my acquaintance. They have experience, they want to help, and they are liberated from the opinions of 25-year-old children. That makes them very dangerous, or very helpful. Usually both.
Either way, whether the advice is excellent and just what you need, or broadly applicable but not helpful in your situation, or just plain awful, they probably mean well.
5. If they don't mean well, then it isn't advice. It's an insult, and treat it as such.
If someone’s intention is obviously to mock, denigrate, or humiliate you, your loved ones, or your beliefs, you do not need to listen to them at all.
Be civil. Be chilly. Seek to end the conversation. Don't stoop to their level, for as the inimitable Judith Martin has said,
Miss Manners can think of no more succinct definition for a lady than “someone who wishes to punch someone in the nose but refrains.” You may well ask why. The obvious answer is that blood spoils white gloves.
6. Once you've handled it politely and gotten your emotions in order, weigh the advice one last time - do you intend to use it at all?
It might actually be good advice. Or it might be advice that you can't currently use but might want to tuck away for a future date or a different situation. Medical advice and financial advice usually fit in this second category for me. It might not fit my specific situation, but it might be applicable for other people or other times.
7. Keep your opinion of the person in perspective.
Unless they were trying to insult you, don't reconsider your whole relationship with someone just because they gave advice you don't wish to use.
8. Brace yourself for the next time someone offers unsolicited advice.
It's coming.
If you really don’t want to get unsolicited advice, recognize that it’s usually people’s automatic social response when they hear someone complaining. They want to help, right? There’s nothing wrong with complaining to a trusted friend about your health, job, stress level, etc., but if you do, you will probably get some advice coming your way.
9. Bonus tip: Ask for advice sometimes.
One of the highest compliments you can pay someone is to ask their advice.